Originally published on It’s delightful, it’s delicious, it’s dlevy!

I feel too fat to fit into my only clean pair of underwear.
I’m sure it’s the late-night Chinese food to blame but I just can’t seem to care.
Loneliness haunts me and Grindr’s no help to bring sexy men to my door
But my trusty Chinese food delivery restaurant’s available with more.

Now I know it’s cliche to cry ‘bout my waistline when I’m solely to blame
See, I hate the gym, and I really like food, and I refuse to feel any shame.
And God bless the dudes into bears who greet me with woofs and grrs and all that.
Lord knows it isn’t a hardship these days to be gay, hairy, and fat.

But all of the stir fry (and the condoms and the KY) adds up to a financial toll
And even a bear has the vanity to care about what covers his pole
Going online for a new pair of designer briefs each day of the week
Is draining my money so I just can’t be sunny ‘bout the dilemma of which I now speak:

I feel too fat to fit into my only clean pair of underwear
And the Fluff And Fold service is making me nervous cuz the delivery guy isn’t here.
How can I venture out into the world with these too-tight briefs round my waist?
But I feel too fat to fit into my only clean pair, and I’m feelin’ debased.

Maybe some creative thinking is all that I need to raise my mood,
Which would not only answer the problem but keep me from ordering any more food
I should just forego this sideshow and let go of briefs forever more
Going commando means never again running out to the department store
when

I feel too fat to fit into my only clean pair of underwear
Fuck it, who needs em, they’re just a tool of the patriarchy and I shouldn’t care
Proudly I’ll slip on my fat pants without them and know deep within
The true liberation can only be felt when there’s denim against your skin.

I feel too fat to fit into my only clean pair of underwear
So I will subvert the options because I’m an academic queer
Love me or leave me it really don’t matter because can’t you see?
Now that I’ve stopped wearing underwear, deep within, I’m finally free.